Thursday, August 15, 2013

Where Am I Going ?

I can't believe I'm here sometimes. Not the kind of "I can't believe I'm here on this earth" kind of thing, but more like the "I can't believe the direction my life has taken" thing. Nearly two years past, I had a husband and we were talking about future plans. We worried about bills together. We raised our children together. Nearly two years ago, I had my future planned so perfectly. 

Now, I'm here without my husband. My mind and my heart and my grief wage a constant battle over where I need to be and where I need to go. I can never seem to decide exactly what it is I should be doing or in which direction I should be headed. I want to do so many things, but which should I do first ? What should I be doing right now ? 

I want to move to a different town - closer to the beach - but I can't get up the nerve to uproot my children who've had so much taken from them in the last two years. I know a change would allow me a fresh start, but what would it do to the children ? Is there even anything left around this town for us ? 

Memories of Julian are everywhere here. Driving down any street in this county brings back painfully distant memories of what we once had, who we once were. I want to drive down a new road, with new memories. I want to meet new people - people who don't pretend they don't see me, because they don't want to see our grief. Maybe, his memory will follow us wherever we go ?

My happy place used to be here. My happy place was where my husband was. Together, we made a family. Now, we just feel like broken pieces of the family he left behind. 

Where am I going ? Where should I go ? What should I do with my life now so that Julian's life has more meaning ? How do I honor the memory of who he was and still start a new life without him here ? 

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