Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Can I Fall To Pieces Just Once ?

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be told "you are strong" or "you're doing just fine" ? Especially when all I really want to do is be allowed to fall completely to pieces just once. Since Julian died, I've managed to lay a blanket of "I'm okay" on top of myself. What I really want is to feel weak, childlike, cry my fucking eyes out and have someone just sit there with me and be the strong one while I fall apart.

I feel as though I am slowly crumbling apart inside. My mother tells me I'm strong, but I think that is her way of avoiding my pain. My friends tell me I'm strong, but I think they just want to believe that. Who can be so strong after life hurls a raging tornado in their path and destroys everything they had ?

Julian used to tell me, "Be tough, woman. Don't let nothing get you down." But he knew when I was hurting deeply over something and he would hold me tightly as I cried in his arms. Who knew my strengths and my weaknesses. Julian knew that sometimes I needed to be weak. I needed to be fragile.

I want to keep living. I want to do the right things - get an education, work, take care of my kids, enjoy life. But I still just need that one gigantic meltdown so that I can move on from this. Sometimes I feel as though I'm watching my life happen, but I'm not living it. It's almost like I'm still waiting for this to be a nightmare and not a reality.

I thought my meltdown was at the graveside, just as they were about to lower Julian's coffin into the ground. But that was just a robotic, autopilot reaction to it all. That was my heart working while my brain took a vacation from the reality of it all.

I guess I don't know what I want. Maybe, I want to go insane so that my reality is distorted enough to not even know this is real. Life without my love, my soul mate, my best buddy, my husband is just a bad dream. Can I pretend this is my alternate reality ?

Sometimes when I'm alone in my car, I talk to Julian. I listen hard and wait for an answer. I think I hear him telling me it's okay. He tells me I can do this. He says I have to keep on living. He says he loves me and wants me to be happy. He tells me to focus on the kids and our future. He tells me he's fine. He tells me it didn't hurt. He tells me he just saw the truck coming at them and that's the last thing he remembers.

The thought of Julian's painful last seconds of life cause me to hold my breath. I can't bare the thought. I can't stand not knowing what he was thinking or if he felt pain. Sometimes I think "was that real ?"...was he really here ? Did I dream him up or did he exist ? Why do I think like that ? It's my mind's way of trying to shut down the reality of Julian's death, I know.

I'm not strong. I don't want to be strong. I want to fall to my knees and cry until I have no more tears left in me, but I don't and I probably won't ever.

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