Driving Them All Away

When Julian died, I thought I would never find love again. Now, I think I am more sure of that than ever before. I have joined one dating website after another, only to end up deleting my account after a month or so. I get a message from a man and we talk for a bit, he gains my trust and I give him my phone number. He calls me, we have pleasant conversation for a bit, then comes the question that makes me more than a little uncomfortable and a whole lot angry. "What do you like to do in bed?" He asks. And I am always tempted to say something like "Sleep, you shit head." Then hang up, but I don't, because I hold on to the hope I've heard him wrong. I politely say "I don't know." Which leads him to think he can continue this form of questioning.

I mean, I'm going to be honest here, I've talked to about 10 guys on the phone and more than that online and it almost always ends up that way. I am so disgusted with trying to actually date that I have almost decided this new single me is the only me I ever want to be. What the hell happened to taking a gal on a date, getting to know her, meeting her family, spending time forming a relationship ? Has that just gone out the window with this new Internet dating thing ?

Yeah, I've heard it. Friends say, "don't use those dating websites", "get out and meet a guy the old fashioned way". There is no freakin' old fashioned way anymore. I don't drink, so I really don't want to go to a bar to meet a man. All the church-going men are already taken or not so God-fearing after church service. It's the same in real life as it is on the Internet. This is why men tend to call women like me a bitch, because when I say I want to go out on a real date, they hear "spend your money on me" and that scares the living shit out of men !

I've had so many (unsolicited) photos of men's penises sent to me, I should open up an art gallery ! Good grief, men ! If you want a good woman, you have to first be a good, decent man ! I am not a prude, but I really feel uncomfortable talking so explicitly with someone I hardly know.

Julian and I were married for 12 years before we even had explicit phone conversations or started doing the whole "sexting" thing. He worked out of state, he was my husband, if he wanted to talk dirty to me on the phone, I was more than happy to oblige him. I love Julian and it didn't feel wrong. The day he died, he phoned me that morning and told me so many sexy things, it made me cry to think about what we never got to do because he never made it home. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a married couple showing their desire for one another. But I do not want a man I have never met and have only had brief conversations with asking me what I like to do in bed. And I sure don't want to see his damn junk in a text message when I am shopping at Walmart with my kids !!

So, I am just driving them away in droves, people. I mean, I really should write a book on how to get rid of a man, because I have sent so many running scared that I'm getting a reputation as a real bitch. BUT I would rather have a reputation for being a bitch than for being easily used and manipulated.