Monday, September 10, 2012

Time To Forget ?

I've heard that said a few times. But there is no deadline for grief, unless you have yet to experience it, then of course, you probably get tired of hearing it. I've heard people say "When will she move on ?" or "Hasn't he/she grieved long enough ?"

It's something I try very hard not to depress my online friends with, but to be honest, it is ALWAYS with me. The memories of Julian consume me. The sorrow envelopes me. The loneliness surrounds me in a cold, bitter blanket. One day I'm fine. The next day I am in a million pieces.

I smile. I hold my head up in public. I laugh with friends and family. I post silly things on Facebook about what we're having for dinner, etc. But right here, in my little world, the kids and I fight a daily battle to "keep it together". We try to act normal, be normal, but half the time we walk around like confused victims of war - not knowing which way to go or what to do next.

When I lay down at night, my thoughts (as I drift off to sleep) are of Julian. The sadness, the sorrow, the pain of losing him lay heavy on my soul. I wake several times during the night. Sometimes as I wake in the darkness I reach across the bed to feel for Julian - hoping, wishing, praying it was all a bad dream. But he's never there. I never wake up from this nightmare.

This will never be forgotten. It will never be totally wiped from my mind, from my Facebook status, from my soul, from my children (who are so brokenhearted over the loss of their wonderful, loving father). We will always remember what we have lost. It will always hurt. The pain will always be there.


  1. Hey there luv. I lost my love on 10/2/10 & its STILL with me but i cannot forget him & every time i look at my kids i see him. There is No right or wrong time to STOP GRIEVING. But its definitely a time to start living again! I hope that your sorrow eases a bit. God Bless you.