Monday, September 17, 2012

Dreams That Make Me Wish I Didn't Have To Sleep

I haven't really had a full-fledged nightmare since Julian died. I've had awful dreams of me trying to stop him from going to North Dakota. I've had paralyzing dreams of watching the accident happen and trying to save him. But a dream I had a couple of weeks ago has literally got me wishing I didn't have to sleep.

I had been asking God why we couldn't have kept Julian. Why did he have to die ? Could I have nursed him back to health ? Why do you hear of others living through injuries almost as bad as his, but he died ? "Come on, God." I prayed aloud. "Give me an answer."

You know that old saying "Be careful what you wish for..." Yep. That's relevant here, for sure. 

I nodded off to sleep that night after a particularly difficult day and the nightmare that found me was more horrific than I could ever have imagined. 

In the dream, I was at home with family and friends. We were grieving Julian, when someone came rushing in (I don't remember who) and told me I needed to get to the funeral home. They said Julian was still alive, but he probably would not be for long. I was in shock as my mother and my three young children and I arrived at the funeral home. I threw my hands onto the funeral director's shoulders and begged him to take me to Julian. As he lead the way, he explained that Julian was still gravely injured and may soon die. He said I could take him home if I wanted, but not to expect much. I ran in front of the funeral director as he opened the door to the room where Julian was.

Julian lay on a mattress on the floor. He was obviously wearing the clothes he had died in (although the shirt he had on in the dream was not the one he was actually wearing when the accident occurred). As I approached Julian I knelt down and spoke to him. He couldn't open his eyes or speak clearly. Julian seemed to panic because I could not clearly understand him. He struggled to breath and his left arm was badly broken.

I heard Julian say "Let me die. Leave me alone." 

I cried as I said, "I can't leave you like this."

Suddenly, in the dream Julian began to wiggle off the mattress. He was still unable to open his eyes and could not walk (both Julian's legs were broken in the accident). He crawled aimlessly until he reached a far wall of the morgue. I knelt next to the mattress in shock as I realized someone else had been lying next to Julian. This other person was someone I love very much and I will not say who it was, but in the dream this person was dead and had been prepared for their funeral.

I didn't move to get closer to Julian. I simply called for him to come back and lie down. I told him over and over that I loved him and that I would take him home and make him better. Julian just shook his head "no" and mumbled incoherently. My mother and my three youngest children stood behind me crying and hugging each other. 

After a bit I went to Julian and embraced him. He died in my arms (in my dream).

When I woke up I realized that neither Julian nor I would have wanted him to suffer the way he was after the accident. There was no chance of life for Julian. He suffered a severe brain injury with multiple fractures and extensive blunt force trauma to his head and chest. He was gone and to make a wish, to pray a prayer to have been allowed to keep him as he was is just selfish. I'd rather he not been in an accident at all. I'd rather he had never worked for KRC Building Solutions, LLC. I'd rather, not be here writing this. I'd rather THIS were all a bad dream. I'd rather wake up to a phone call to come pick him up in Salisbury, because he was home for Christmas. But I cannot change anything that has already happened. The only thing to do is to learn to live with the hand my children and I have been dealt. 

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