Saturday, September 22, 2012

A Fate So Twisted

Why would I pick such a name for my You Tube username ? I had wanted it to be "A Twist Of Fate", but that name was taken. I decided to go with a twisted version of that name. The reason I chose that name was that I had been thinking that if not for a twist of fate, I may not even be where I am right now. It was a twist of fate that I was raised by my paternal aunt and her husband. It was a twist of fate that I am still here living. For I had tried several times to end my own life (in my younger days). It was a twist of fate that I met my husband, Julian.

So many twists of fate that brought me to where I am today. My life could have been so different. My birth mother could have never decided to let my aunt and her husband adopt me. I could have ended it all and there would be no story to tell. I could have told my friend that I didn't want to go with her the day I met Julian.

I don't harp on the bad things. I don't use excuses for the mistakes I make. I've done some pretty stupid things in my life. I've made mistakes that - when I look back on them now - make me cringe. But the truth is, I look back on some things that happened to me as a child and even that I caused to happen to me as a child or young adult and I wonder why those things happened to me. Why didn't I know better ? Why did I have to go through this or that ?

One thing I am sure of, is that each circumstance in my life has led me to where I am or is leading me to where I'm going. I'm not regretful or vengeful over my twists of fate. I just think some of those things shouldn't have been as they were.

Truth is, my adoptive father despised children. I mean he absolutely did and I don't know how he got around that in the adoption process. He loathed every part of me as a child. Not that I was a perfect child, but I was far from evil. I was just a child. I was a scared, tattered child when my parents adopted me at the age of four. I had not known a steady, loving home. I did not even understand what a father should be. Looking back, I now know a father should never - AND I MEAN NEVER - call their child (adopted or otherwise) ugly, worthless, good for nothing, unloveable !

To be so cruel to a child leaves a scar not easily healed. For so many years of my life I felt ugly and I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I used to look at myself and say "Ugly. That's all you are is ugly" to the reflection in the mirror. For years, I hated me. I wanted to die. I had no motivation to ever be anything more than what my father had condemned me to be. I was destined to be nothing to go nowhere and forget finding a loving husband. Daddy always told me no man would ever love me. So, I settled. As long as he was willing to stay with me, I would take the first man that came along. And I did. And he treated me like a pile of hot steaming shit and my daddy and my momma both indicated that was all I deserved. So, I lived with it for years before I finally broke free, then I tumbled from one useless, abusive relationship to the next.

And then came Julian. He was handsome, smart, kind, caring and GOOD GOD...He LOVED ME ! He didn't try to get in my pants. He became my friend. He sat with me and talked and listened for hours. He danced with me. He laughed with me. For nearly two years, he kept his hands off me. Then and only then, he told me he loved me. Julian said, "I know you are a good woman. I wanted to be sure of that before I told you how I feel."

Somehow, Julian saw the me in my heart. He saw my heart's desires. Lumps in my throat. Tears trying to escape. I thought, this young man is crazy. He has to be to care about me. I'm nothing. I'm going nowhere. I'm ugly.

"You're crazy." I said. "You can do so much better than me."

Julian looked at me with sad eyes. "Why do you think that way about yourself." He asked.

"Because it's true." I said.

Julian took my hand and looked me in the eyes. "Renee, I love you. You are beautiful. You are a smart woman. I know you want a good man. I am a good man. I want to give you a good life."

And he did. Julian - by a small twist of fate - came into my life and changed me life forever. In doing so, Julian showed me that apparently God thinks I'm worth it, too. Twists of fate. They are wonderful - even though some may hurt at first or in the end.

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