I've never been through a loss such as this and this isn't exactly something you can practice or be prepared for. I think I was hoping that if I found someone, the grief would subside quickly. The problem with that is that I was not yet ready to just up and forget all the sorrow and hurt of losing Julian. Unfortunately the person I was seeing insisted I should give all that up and just move past it. I could not just leave my memories of Julian behind. I knew him for sixteen years. I was married to him for fourteen years. I love him deeply and I think of him always. I see my children's pain and I carry that with me constantly.
I'm not sure who was the selfish one - me or the man I was dating. Was I selfish for wanting to remember Julian and sometimes breaking down in tears when I remembered him ? Or was he selfish for acting as though even speaking Julian's name left a bitter taste in his mouth and banishing me from speaking about him ? I decided, in the end, it didn't matter who was being selfish, it was best for us both to end the relationship. I am most definitely not ready to give up our memories of Julian and I cannot control my tears. My decision was met with anger and hateful words, which proved that I was, in fact making the right choice.
I have the right to grieve Julian. The kids and I need to be able to grieve as openly and for as long as we have to. Grief is not measurable or comparable to anyone else's. Grief is a deep, personal process. I have no idea why I thought I could sustain a relationship less than a year after losing my sweet Julian. I miss everything about him and no other man can even begin to fill the hole left in my soul.
One thing I will not sacrifice is my freedom to live my dreams. Julian always encouraged me to do the things I enjoyed. I could never settle with a man who wouldn't let me do anything on my own. I was able to do so many things I enjoyed because Julian trusted me and allowed me the freedom of being myself. He never sought to change me or hold me down. Julian was loving, encouraging and kind to the kids and me. I have that example of a loving husband and father and I see nothing wrong with wanting the same from any man who wants to spend his time with me and my children.
I had a beautiful, loving, kind, giving husband and I'll be damned if I'll settle with anything less than what I had before. And if I want to cry for the man I still love so very very deeply, I will let it flow whenever I feel like it. When a comparable man comes along, he will take away those tears and replace them with laughter and he will appreciate the love Julian and I had and not be jealous of that love.