First Father's Day

The first Father's Day without Julian. Every holiday, every celebration feels different since he's been gone. The ones like this hurt the most. I hurt for my children. They always showered us with so much love and handmade gifts on our birthdays, Mother's Day and Father's Day. As tomorrow gets closer, I feel the heaviness of the emptiness that it brings. Not hearing his sweet laughter or his off-key singing.

His voice is fading away from me. I can barely remember how he smelled - wood chips and sweat, I think. The children's first Father's Day without their father. Getting through the day without drowning in our tears will be an accomplishment worth - worth nothing. What kind of accomplishment is it to survive the dead ? To survive a death ? How much strength do I really have ? Sometimes good memories are the worst memories, because they remind us of what we will never again have.

The first Father's Day without a reason to celebrate, but the need to celebrate..celebrate the fact that they had a father who loved them dearly. Days like this are the days I wish I could hide in a quiet place, push my emotions down deep and pretend none of this was so.

Flowers on his grave for Father's Day - that's what we'll do. Happy Father's Day, Julian. We miss you.