So many things to be thankful for. My children. My grandchildren. My beautiful mothers (adopted mom & birth mom). New friends. Old friends. Friends I have yet to meet. Some days - most days - I feel guilty for feeling grateful.
Sometimes I wish for the days when Julian was between jobs, searching for jobs, working close to home. Everyday I wish he'd never found that damned job on Craig's List. I wish he hadn't heard back from the company that hired him for the last job he would ever have. All the time I question everything. What if he had taken a lesser paying job closer to home ? What if he had waited one more day to come home ? What if ? What if ?
What if I just focus on the good things ? Finally moving out of that awful trailer. Finally finding the courage to do what I have always had a passion for - photography. Finally taking care of my health & losing weight. Caring enough about my children to care about myself. Good things.
I'm learning to be thankful for the good things that Julian gave me. He taught me about unconditional love. He taught me how to let go of things that make me crazy with worry. Julian's strength gave me strength. He was laughter, love and manhood wrapped in a beautiful package. Good things.
I feel guilty moving on sometimes. I feel guilty living, breathing, laughing, dating, eating, surviving. I think of Julian and I see him smile when my children and I laugh. I hear him pushing me to move forward when I want to stand still. I feel him praying for us, even when I can't pray. Good things.
I question. Question myself. Was I a good wife ? Was I a good friend ? Was I a good person ? Would I have been any of those things if God had not put Julian in my life to teach me ? So often God sends us an example, a teacher, a mentor and when our learning is completed, He allows them to be removed from us. Good things ? The good things were that Julian was here, he gave me two beautiful children, he loved us with all his mind, body and soul. The not-so-good things were that he left us too soon and now we must learn to live without him. Good things ?
Most days I am unwilling to talk to God about all of this. I don't want to hear His reasoning. I don't want to know why He allowed these things to happen. I don't try to bargain with Him anymore. I don't pray, but I do talk to God about my feelings. I hope He understands. And at least now I do believe He is real. Before Julian died, I was nearly ready to give up on believing in anything after death. But the very real feeling of God's & Julian's presence after his death changed that. Good things.
Quite often to even realize there are good things to be felt, we need to feel the bad, too. I felt the bitter heartbreak of losing someone I loved more than anything in this world. When I love again, I will appreciate it all the more. Love is heavy, but it is worth it. Good things.