Feeling blessed might be a silent phase of the grief process. To finally be able to look at photographs or videos of the one we lost and not feel sad for the loss, but instead feel joy for the time we had is a blessing. To laugh as Julian danced by himself in our living room or sang so sweetly out of tune, is a blessing. to smile at the photograph of Julian and Daisy sleeping so sweetly on our couch is a blessing. Remembering moments we shared - good or bad - without tears and pain is a blessing.
It's absolutely normal to at first feel guilty for living, then to once and for all feel blessed to be alive. I feel blessed to have the chance to love again and yet blessed to still hold the love I have for Julian in my heart. It's Julian's love for me that makes me unafraid to move forward. I feel blessed to have quiet conversations with Julian as I sit by his grave. It is a blessing to hear Julian saying softly to me, "I want you to be happy, mi amor."
When I look around my home and see the things Julian made with his own two hands, I feel blessed.
Those dreadful, creepy butterflies are barely present. Most days when I think of Julian, it's a fond memory. I smile when I remember how sweet and loving he was. I laugh when I think of how clumsy he was. The pain is still there when I think of Julian dying, but it isn't as intense as it once was. I feel blessed to know Julian lives pain-free and happy where he is now.
When I look at our beautiful children, I feel blessed to have known this awesome man. I feel blessed...so very blessed.