Trying to Keep On Living

So much easier said than done. The dead move on. They find peace or are atleast lost to the living's sorrows and regrets. Whatever you believe, if you do believe in an after life, you know that the living are the ones who suffer when someone we love dies.

Somedays I miss Julian so deeply I want to be with him wherever he is. But that would mean leaving my children, so my only choice is to keep on living. Happy couples don't make me sad. Seeing two people in love brings back wonderful memories. Bitter, hateful couples who seem to loathe being around each other make me angry. I want to scream when I see them fighting or being cruel to each other.

I want to be in Julian's loving, strong arms again, snuggled in front of the television, listening to him talk about work, plans for the future or just lay my head on his chest and listen to the soothing rythm of his heartbeat. But I can never - at least here on this earth - do that again. My soul aches to hear his laughter, his off-key, horrible singing - to hear him say "I love you, gordita" !

Sometimes, I try very hard to hide from the pain, because to be honest, if I didn't do something, I would stay in a teary-eyed funk most of the time. Like a train running out of control, I have to keep moving, it's not voluntary - it's necessary.

I'm trying so hard to keep on living, but I feel as though my soul is dying. Four months have not yet passed since Julian was ripped away from us, but to me it feels like a thousand years.