Monday, March 19, 2012

Settling In

Moving from our humble mobile home into a tiny little mill house was a heavy transition for the kids and me. Not just heavy in the weight of things we had to haul from Point A to Point B, but heavy in the burden of giving up the place where all of our memories of Julian were stored. It wasn't anything fancy. It was just an old trailer, but Julian's handy work was all over the place. He replaced doors, built walls, painted, patched and worked so hard to make that little trailer a home for us. I think the kids and I all felt guilty leaving the trailer behind, but seeing my children so happy in this new home is what Julian and I both want.

I was never looking for a mansion on a hill. I just wanted a place of our own. Julian wanted something new, something different for us this year. It was his dream to give us a better life. He lived (and died) to make us happy. I've felt Julian's spirit in this house. Nothing ghostly or haunting, but the spirit of happiness, contentment -- I felt him smile as we unloaded the truck and unpacked boxes in our new home. I heard him saying, "You did good, mi did real good..."

I feel like we're home. I don't miss that trailer one bit. It became cold and dank after Julian died. It felt like a prison from which the kids and I would never escape if we didn't run as fast as we could when we had the chance.

Nothing will ever be the same without Julian and I've said that since the day he died. But now that statement has a different meaning for me. I feel as though nothing will ever be the same in so many good ways. Without Julian's love and belief in me - that I could do anything I set my mind to - I couldn't go in the directions I am going now. Life without him is sometimes so overwhelmingly sad that I don't want to do anything, but sit quietly by his grave. But on the good days, I feel an enormous courage -- courage that I would not have if Julian had not been in my life.

Through absolutely no fault of his own, my beautiful husband left us way too soon. But not before instilling in my children and me life lessons that I hope will carry us to the places in our dreams.

Julian was courageous. Even though he was terrified to travel with the reckless drivers he worked with/for, taking care of his family was more important than any fears he had. Though he feared for our safety while he was so far from home, he trusted God enough to take care of us in his absence. I owe it to Julian to be courageous. To live for our hopes and dreams. To tell the story of him and what a great man he truly was. I owe it to Julian to "do what I got to do" - as he used to always say !

So, this life, these dreams, this little house, furthering my's all in your honor, Boss Man ! We love you ! We miss you !

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