Giving it all I've got right now seems so difficult. Some days I just wish for complete silence. Getting out of bed is hard sometimes & I wish I could just stay in bed and cry all day. Accepting that our lives must go on without Julian is like trying to accept that a knife must remain in it's wound despite the excruciating pain it causes. I won't pretend to understand God's plan for us and I've just about given up asking why this had to be.
The one thing that drives me the most is how precious my husband was to me and how hard I know he was working to give the kids and I a better life. I can't stay in bed and I cannot hide from the world outside. I have to keep moving. I owe it to Julian to go after ALL of his dreams for us. I want to own a home, buy a new car and go back to school so that I can help my children with their dreams (college educations, etc.).
Julian NEVER gave up or gave in no matter how hard things got. He always smiled. He was always upbeat. I'm sure he hid alot of his fears from me and there were rare occasions when he would show despair, but I could count those occasions on one hand.
Julian saw better things for us in 2012. He just knew our lives were changing for the better. Even though I would like to have him here to realize his dreams, I know he would want me to keep pushing forward. Julian lived on the bright side of things. I tended to see the dark shadows. So, now I guess I need to step into the light he left behind.
Julian isn't here, but his dreams still linger around us. Moving into a new place is just the first step. We've just turned onto this new road. I can see the horizon. Bright sunshine. What a beautiful path Julian designed for us. His faith was a precious gem and I don't intend to throw it away.
Julian had such strength - strength that doesn't come easy for me.
Lord, give me the strength I need to do this. Help me to make my precious husband (and YOU) proud of all that I do.
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