Thursday, January 19, 2012
What if the dead grieve us ?
We grieve the loss of someone we love. If we believe in a life after death, couldn't it be possible to believe that - if they can see us from where they have passed on to - they are mourning losing us, as well ? My heart aches for the loss of Julian. I think of all the things we'll miss out on doing together and I feel a deep aching in my soul. I really wanted to grow old with him. I will miss seeing his hair greying, deep wrinkles forming around his eyes and mouth and his youthful voice changing to the raspy voice of an old man. I'll miss the joy in his eyes as he holds his first grandchild. I'll miss lying in his arms while we drift off to sleep. So many things that I'll miss. Is he missing the same things, too ?
Did he wake up from his own death and wonder where we had gone ? Was he aware that he was leaving this world as he went ? Did his heart ache knowing we would be separated until it's my time to join him ?
I grieve. I grieve. I grieve. Is he grieving, too ? Is the deep ache I feel connected to a deep aching loss that Julian can feel, too ?
Death leaves us with so many questions and so few answers. Grief is a powerful emotion that binds us to the one we've lost. The aching need to know leaves us catastrophically paralyzed, standing in stunned disbelief.
I spoke on the phone with a friend of my mother's last week. She lost her husband 25 years ago. He was only 43 years old. When I asked her how long the aching feeling of loss lasts, she broke into tears and said, "Renee, it never goes away. You always wonder why, what if....And if you truly love the one you've lost, there's just really no getting over it."
I guess, I will grieve Julian for the rest of my life. And I will always wonder if he's grieving us, too.
Posted by Stephanie Gomez