I feel butterflies every time I think of Julian. Not the pretty, happy fluttering kind you feel from a first kiss or watching your newborn baby nurse. These butterflies are nasty, sickly creatures that grab me from the inside out and make me feel sick to my stomach. These butterflies form a lump in my throat and cause me to grit my teeth hard and try to hold back the tears. The butterflies I feel make my body ache thinking of my precious husband being thrown around that car as the MACK truck pushed it into the ditch. These butterflies creep in when I imagine Julian's cries of agony as he died !
These butterflies make me angry, tearful, remorseful and sad. I'm not bitter. I'm mad. There is a difference.
If you haven't walked a step in my shoes, don't assume you know what I feel. I know everyone wants to say something to comfort me. But from where I stand, nothing can comfort my broken heart nor my aching soul. I've lost...lost my lover, my best friend, the father of my children...I've lost him...FOREVER. He'll never again open the front door singing an out of tune Spanish love song to me. He'll never call me to ask if I took out the trash and fed the dogs. He'll never again kiss his little girl on the forehead or hug his sons. I can never lay down next to him, my head on his shoulder and listen to him talk about all the wonderful things he'll do for us with his new job ! He'll never whisper in my ear or make sweet love to me again.