Sunday, January 22, 2012

What I learned from Julian

When you lose someone so young, the future you planned together becomes just a faded memory. Julian and I had wonderful plans for our future together and I know that we would have - if we'd been given the chance - grown very old together.

It's very hard for me to imagine the children's and my life without the man I loved so dearly to share it with us. But the truth is, I have to move forward. The only other choice is to give up and just spend my whole life asking "why" and waiting for answers.

I don't want to move on from the memory of Julian, but I have to move forward in the new life the children and I are forced to live since Julian's death.

Julian always encouraged me to do the things I enjoy doing - sewing, making soap, crafting and such - and I believe he would want me to carry on with those things. He always told me he loved my independence. He used to say "You are a strong woman." But I bet when he said that he never thought about just how strong I would have to be without him. He lifted my spirits and gave me confidence. Julian always made it easy for me to make decisions about what I wanted to do and he never faulted me for any decision I made.

Julian was the type of man every man should be. He never talked down about me to anyone. He boasted about my accomplishments and ignored my flaws. Even when he knew I was ruining one batch of soap after another trying to learn or making lopsided purses in the beginning, he still bragged about what talent his wife had. He would say "You're doing good, mi amor. Just keep practicing. You can do it." I was the same with him. Julian was an excellent carpenter and a hard worker. I knew he would find a job where he was appreciated and respected.

We were not the perfect couple, but we were perfectly matched. We had come to the place in our marriage where we could argue like adults. Julian taught me to laugh when I wanted to scream, to dance when I wanted to hide from the crowd and to love unconditionally. He wasn't just a husband, he was a mentor - teaching me not to take everything in life so seriously and to never worry about what someone else thought of me. He taught me that it was okay to be me.

All I can do now is keep Julian's precious memory close to my heart and remember the things he taught me. My heart still aches for him, but I won't give up and that is because of him.

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