It's been just over a month since we lost our sweet precious husband, father, brother Julian. To me it has been an eternity without him and I can't imagine what the next 10, 20 or 30 years will feel like without my love. Some days I feel so guilty when I do all I can to not think of him, but it by the days end I cry myself to sleep at night. A glimpse of photos of Julian cause a lump to form in throat and I have to swallow the tears.
When you're grieving someone so deeply, everything seems trivial compared to the weight of the loss you feel. I know people grow weary of seeing me and some avoid me altogether for fear I might break down and cry. So, I put on a smile, laugh, listen to a joke or tell a joke or two, when what I really want to do is cry until I can't cry anymore.
I go to the store, buy groceries, take the kids to the dentist - all the routine things, but I'd rather lie in bed and cry - the kind of crying that makes your head ache. If I could I would lay down for the rest of my life and grieve, but I know I have to carry on. Not so much for me, but for the sake of everyone around me I have to smile and pretend that I'm moving forward.
The reality is that I haven't move very far. I'm still living December 21st, 2011 - the day I was visited by a Sheriff's Deputy with 2 pieces of paper in his hand (one a blown up photo of Julian's I.D. the other a letter from a North Dakota state trooper).
I relive the phone call. "Please, don't tell me what you're going to tell me."
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you this, but Julian Gomez Mazaba was killed in a car accident..."
With those fateful words my world spiralled and spun off it's axis and would surely never be the same.
And so I became a pretender...pretending to smile, pretending laugh, pretending to live...pretending that I'm strong enough to stand and not fall under the weight this great loss. How selfish I am to want so badly to have Julian here with me. How selfish I am to want that last day back. So I'll pretend. I'll pretend. I'll pretend...that I'm okay.