In my last post I talked about the struggles the children and I are having and, as a parent, learning to say "I'm sorry". Julian used to always remind me that in order to change others, we must change ourselves. Humility is not an easy thing, but I have to say that it does work. I've taken a gentler approach with my children and the changes that are taking place are amazing. My boys actually talk to me now. They come out of their room and spend time with Daisy and me.
Living a "normal" existence after someone you love dies is not easy, but it can be done. The children and I have lingered in a sorrowful state for over two years now and I feared we would never be whole again with such a big part of us missing.
I have felt a rage boiling inside me since December 2011. My anger was not at my children. I was angry with fate, angry with myself, angry with Julian (for going to North Dakota in the first place), angry with the world. It didn't seem fair, but the truth is, no one can avoid death; it will happen to all of us. My uncle passed away a month or so before Julian. My grandmother died four months after Julian. Another uncle passed shortly after my grandmother. My brother in law (Julian's brother) lost his wife ten months after Julian died.
Death is everywhere, but we cannot die with the ones we love. Julian loved life. He was always so positive. I could not imagine giving in to grief and letting his memory die by refusing to live each and every day as if it were a precious gift.
Just before Julian left for North Dakota, we had a little argument. There were so many things going on in our lives and I had begun to shut him out. I was upset with him and I said things that I have regretted every day since the moment I was informed of his death. But I came to remember his words that day. He told me he loved me and he said things were only going to get better in our relationship. He had only kind words for me. Julian left no bad memories. He left a beautiful legacy of love and patience. Julian was the man God wanted him to be.
I want to continue to live as Julian taught the kids and I to live. There will be peace and love in our household. I will be the mother my beautiful children deserve.