I seem to have developed an obsession with dating websites. I spent endless hours searching through user profiles hoping to find someone who looked similar to Julian and maybe had the same energetic spirit. To me, Julian is irreplaceable, but I was looking to hide the pain. We can try all kinds of different ways to run from all kinds of different pain, but the truth is nothing in this world can cover a mountain of grief. I can't hide from the reality that Julian is gone and he will always be gone. I can't pretend to be just okay all the time. I can't expect to find a man willing to be Julian so that I can pretend he isn't dead.
Tonight I sat down at my computer and deleted my profiles from the dating websites I had joined. I have decided that I need to do a lot of work on ME before I can be whole enough to even carry on a conversation with anyone new.
Julian and I were two halves of a whole person. He was spontaneous and upbeat. I was stern reasoning. Now I have to learn to become a whole person all by myself. There is no one to tell me that it doesn't matter whether the glass is half full or half empty; at least we have something in our glass. Julian not only kept me centered and balanced, he brought me to life. I never saw myself as anything more than a waste of space. I never thought I would do anything more than be a mother and once my children were grown, I would simply wilt away somewhere. I never really planned to be anybody special.
I have to do this. I have to make something of my life for the sake of Julian's wonderful memory. My reason to live cannot be dependent on finding a man to fill Julian's place. Julian left me with all the tools of wisdom that I need to carry on. Until I am able to see myself as Julian saw me, I am not ready to find a partner to walk beside me in this world. When I do talk to someone new, I quickly shut them out. I find a million excuses not to respond to their text messages or not answer their phone calls. Clearly, I thought I wanted something that I actually don't want.
So, I had a little talk with myself tonight and we discussed what I want. I want to be a writer, that is something I am VERY passionate about. I want to be a photographer - something I am even more passionate about. I want to go to school. I have so many different things I would like to study/learn and so, I shall try to do them all! I want to be there for my children and grandchildren with all my heart and soul.
Today is my Fresh Start Day ! I am going to do the things I need to do to become whole. Julian will always be in my heart. He will always be a part of me that once was. He will always be the one who helped me get to the places my life will take me. And one day, when I am the whole me , maybe, just maybe Julian will speak to God and say "She's ready." and my path will cross with the one who I can spend the rest of my life here on this earth with. But I will try to never feel this broken again. I will try to be as whole as I deserve to be.