I seem to be stuck in a difficult place in my life. I thought the worst was past me after we buried Julian, but that doesn't seem to be the case. I can't find a happy place and stay there. Every situation pulls me down and I find it so hard to pick myself up again. Me...me...me ! Right ?
The one thing I can seem to do is sew. I stay in my room with my sewing machine most of the time, but I don't want it to always be this way. I feel so overwhelmed and I'm not exactly sure what it is. My kids are growing up and I know that one day they will leave home. The life Julian and I had planned no longer exists. The future we mapped out together will no longer be.
I miss lazy Sunday afternoons when we would lay in bed all day; watching TV and discussing our plans. I miss Julian so much. My life will never be the same without him here. I don't know how to rejoice in anything when it feels like we were robbed of our happiness the day he died.
I wish I could tell Julian so many things I never told him. I didn't tell him how much I appreciated him for being the man he was. I didn't tell him how much I truly love him. I feel like he knows all of my secrets now, but he left me with unanswered questions. I have no doubt he loved the kids and me, but there were things we needed to talk about.
It feels as though every nerve in my body, every emotion in my soul, every feeling I could feel are all exposed, like a deep cut. My nerves are on the outside of my skin, my heart is broken into too many pieces to repair and the tears flow without warning. I cried watching a commercial the other day. It was nothing special...just some random, stupid commercial, but it caused me to cry so uncontrollably.
The vivid, touchable memories of the feel of Julian's skin on my finger tips is fading. I've almost forgotten the feel of his lips pressed against mine. I try to force myself to remember and when I can't, it throws me over the edge and here come the tears again !
The photo that we put atop his coffin stares at me from my dresser. His sweet smile, his beautiful, big brown eyes look at me so sweetly. I can hear him saying, "Everything is gonna be okay, mi amor." and I feel ashamed that I want to give up. I want to be with Julian. I want to spend eternity in his sweet embrace.
It is so easy to take someone for granted. We live our lives thinking we have a lifetime to make wrongs right. We think we can settle our battles tomorrow. We can tell someone we love them tomorrow. We can listen to what they have to say...tomorrow. Tomorrow is a smoke signal in the distance. We may never reach it. The flame may burn out before we ever get to it.
I miss my sweet Julian so terribly.