I am broken into so many little pieces. What is left in this life ? My children will grow up and get married and I won't have Julian here to grow old with. We won't EVER get to sit on our front porch and bitch lovingly at one another as our grandchildren play on the playground Julian never got to build for them.
Julian will never get to stare disapprovingly at Daisy's first boyfriend as he sits uncomfortably on our couch.
I'll sit alone on the front pew as one of my sons walks Daisy down the aisle to give her hand in marriage on her wedding day. I'll never get to wipe a happy tear from my eye as I watch Julian hold his first grandchild in his arms.
The day will never come when I watch Julian stand in front of the bathroom mirror counting gray hairs. He would turn to me and ask if he should color his hair. I would've laughed and said no, because I really would have found it sexy that he was turning gray. He would have made a handsome older man, for sure.
I'm selfish, I know. I want all of those moments that I'll never get to share with Julian. I'm selfish because I know that my life would have been so much fuller with Julian in it. I'm selfish, because I don't want to be alone like this. I want God to take it back. I want Him to say He made a mistake. I want God to drop Julian off at my doorstep - unharmed - and tell me that He didn't mean to take him away from me.