Monday, September 3, 2012

The Way He Would Want It...

I learned so much from Julian. He was always very positive and he had a strong forgiving nature. I was high-strung and easily angered. I saw the cup half empty, while Julian saw it half full. He only let me know he was worried on very rare occasions. He was the strong one and over time I learned not to worry so much, because I always saw Julian pushing forward no matter what was going on in our lives.

Back around 2009 when he lost his job helping build a new school in Biscoe, his unemployment did not kick right in and we went six months with NO income at all. Somehow we made it through. Julian sold his tools so that we could make the payments on our mobile home and buy food. He never flinched. He kept his head high. He searched for a job everyday and he pushed me to sell my crafts to help pay the bills. When I wanted to give up, he took me by the hand and said "Don't worry. Everything will be okay." His confidence gave me confidence. His strength gave me strength. During those long six months, we ate only rice and beans, but at least we ate. Our lights were never shut off and we managed to keep the bills paid.

I often look back on the video Julian & I made about six months before he died. It is a timeless message that I turn to when I feel like giving up. In the video Julian says not to worry about tomorrow, no matter what happens everything will be okay. His lasting message to the kids and me.   Even when I want to give up and give in, I know I can't. I know I need to keep on keeping on. And I know that Julian would be saying to me right now "It's all going to be okay, Gordita. Just keep doing what you go to do and don't worry."

I don't want to disappoint Julian. I don't want to disappoint God. I know that this is going to be a bumpy road. I have to accept that my soul mate is gone from this world. I have to get up every morning for my children. Just a few days before he died, Julian called me and told me to always be good to his kiddos and not let anything upset me so bad that I give up. I know it was God's way of allowing Julian to speak to me from beyond the grave, even before he was gone. Julian spoke messages of hope and love to me in a profound way. Some people never get that kind of closure. But Julian was preparing me for what was to come.

I'm so grateful to have had Julian in my life. I will always hurt for his loss and wish we had more time together on this earth, but I know Julian and I know he would want me to keep going. He would not want me to always show sadness or sorrow. He would want us to smile, to laugh, to love and to keep on living. I want him to rejoice in Heaven. I want to see my cup half full. For Julian.

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