I realize that many of my actions since Julian died were my way of trying to forget the grieving process. I didn't want to feel all of those emotions all the time. I occupied myself with a relationship that moved way too fast and was, in fact very self-destructive. I held back the tears, the heartache, the anger, the fear. I just pushed it down deep and figured it would go away eventually. Well, it doesn't go away. I cannot pretend I'm okay. I cannot pretend I'll be fine. I cannot choke back the tears anymore.
Everything has come flooding back new over the last week or so. I cry daily for Julian. My heartaches for him and the bitter taste of sorrow is fresh on my tongue. I have never liked for anyone to see me cry. I have always tried to be strong and always had a hard shell. That comes from a daddy who had zero tolerance for cry babies and emotional women, I guess. Julian used to tell me I was tough on the outside, but that he knew I was really a sweetheart. I don't feel that way these days. I just feel...feel so many emotions all at once that I can't describe.
I want to break down, just cry and cry and scream and pound my fist on something. I can't handle all of these feelings, but I don't know how to constructively let them all out. I don't want my children to see me as an emotional basket case. I don't want friends to avert their eyes from me in public - for fear I might fall into their arms and just cry like a baby.
But I do know you cannot put your feelings on hold. You have to be honest with yourself and feel those things that are inside you bursting to get out. You can't let anyone tell you that you have no right to feel those things. That is what I was doing. I was letting someone else guilt me into hiding my emotions. I was pushing everything down inside my soul to keep from making someone else feel bad. In doing that, I stunted my own personal growth through the healing process of grief.
I'll figure out how to vent my emotions in a way that doesn't drive me insane and doesn't cause my children to fear that I won't make it through this.