I can't believe how quickly my feelings can change throughout the course of one day. I can wake up happy and ready to take on the day, by lunch time I feel angry at the world and question everything, then by the end of the day I'm teary-eyed, listening to sad songs while looking at photographs of Julian. Sometimes I wonder how I will function if this goes on the way it is now. I just want to be okay for one whole day without going through every emotion/stage of grief. I am so exhausted some days.
People tell me how strong I am and I smile and say "thank you", but I really want to say "Strong ? Really ? Me ? No. I'm a mess."
I almost feel self-destructive, stupid, paralyzed. There are days when I wish I wasn't here. Not dead, just not in this place in my life. I wish I was in 1998 or 2010...any place in time, but now.
How strong am I really if all I can do is sit and let emotions flow through me like blood through my veins ? I can't stop it. Can't slow it down. Can't pretend it isn't there.
I want to scream, hit something, cry out to God "Why ?! JUST EXPLAIN IT TO ME !! TELL ME WHY JULIAN HAD TO DIE !"
I feel selfish. I know if it hadn't been Julian it would be someone else's husband, father, son, friend. But I don't give a damn ! I don't want this to be our story ! I want it to be somebody else. Someone I didn't know. I want the boring, lack-luster story of our simple life in that trailer on that dead end road. I want Julian to come through the door singing off key and smiling that sweet smile. I want to feel his kiss on my lips, his touch as he embraces me and says "I love you, gordita." I want to smell the sweet smell of sawdust and sweat on his neck.
I want these feelings to go away. I want this to be a bad dream. A sour, nasty dream that I wake from and never tell anyone about. I want my Julian back ! I want...I want...I want...I won't...ever be the same.