Grown Up

What does that mean to you ? I used to think I knew what being grown up was. I fed my kids, took care of the house, paid my bills, but I still couldn't hold it together when pressing situations arose. I was quick-tempered and easily distracted by the simplest daily problems.

Now that I'm 40, I can look back on my life and see that I didn't so much have it together back when I thought I did. Nobody could have told me anything. I would argue my point until I exhausted myself and the person trying to show me the way. Every little thing became a big deal. Every big thing brought me to the breaking point. I couldn't sleep thinking about how I would "show them".

Truth is, that was not me. I didn't want to be that way. But sometimes it seems that we are so head strong, even when we know we need to change, we refuse to do so. Most things nowadays don't get me so worked up (unless it involves my children). I don't want to argue over petty things. And I would rather be a friend to all than a foe. I try to remember that everybody is going through something that we may not know or understand. I want to reason instead of rant. I want peace -- NOT CHAOS.

Recently a very small disagreement arose with a close family member. I had heard this person rant and rage about how others did them wrong. Someone was ALWAYS doing this person wrong and as soon as I saw their temper rising with me I tried to wait it out and give them a few days to rationalize for themselves the pettiness of the issue they had with me. What I failed to take into account was the level of immaturity and the "me me me" factor this person carries constantly with them.

What was a simple misunderstanding, became a test to see how cruel this person could be (with harsh words) before I reached my breaking point. Well, I decided that my promise to myself - to have peace in my life and be peaceful - would not be broken ! I did not stoop to their level. I did not become hostile or upset with them as they did me.

If I see the beast of chaos and unrest charging towards me, I will simply turn and walk calmly away. Once you cross the bridge to maturity, you either stay or you never belonged there in the first place.