Monday, July 25, 2016

Lost My Sense Of Direction

Like a plane flying over a moonlit ocean, I feel I may have lost my way. Over the last four or five months I've become a bit (okay, maybe more than a bit) unhinged. I can't say for sure what caused my undoing. Maybe it's all the new medications I'm taking. Maybe it's the very early stages of menopause. Maybe it could even be that I have hit a sort of mid-life crisis. I feel less than useful most days. I grieve the loss of my hopes and dreams and I just can't lift myself out of the funk that follows me everywhere I go. The person I'm closest to in my life is my beautiful sixteen year old daughter and I fear I will be the cause of her losing out on a life less ordinary. I want to have adventures with her. I want to have my own adventures. I want to send my daughter out into the world to have adventures of her own. 

*Soaring dangerously close to the water*

Why am I so blue? How can I possibly accomplish anything in life now? I'm forty-five, a widow, and my medicine cabinet looks like it belongs to a ninety year old. How did things get this bad? Sometimes I wonder if grief has caused all of the physical ailments I've been dealing with over the last few years. Is it possible that my heart could not handle the strain and so my body decided to take it upon itself to carry the burden? I feel so tired most of the time. 

*Wings tipping - skidding on the surface of the ocean*

It's so lonely here on earth. I want companionship. I want friendships, but at the same time, I just can't deal with people most days. It's not really that I dislike people - they just make me uncomfortable. I can't even explain why being around other human beings makes me a nervous wreck; all I can tell you is that it does. I feel emotionally drained after being in crowds (even small crowds). 

*Radioing ground control for guidance, but no one answers*

I'm trying - I really am. I just can't seem to get my balance back. I don't know what it will take to set me back on course, but I swear, I'm making a desperate effort to get it right. I haven't completely lost my way. I think I just need some time to get my head together. 

*Some turbulence ahead, but the horizon is in sight*

I'll be okay. I'll find my way. 

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